(I guess I feel the need to explain / apologize for everything? Or I feel some need to post this, anyways, since I kinda ran off and everything.)

I know I have to watch out for those little apes and birds in my life. The little apes, in a dream, wanted to kill my roommate, and their weakness was turning into stone in sunlight. I was too busy cleaning to get rid of the apes while they were stone. And the birds... were in a different dream where people kept on warning me about how they mercilessly ripped others to shreds, but I ignored it till a dog was torn apart. So basically not taking care of problems and ignoring the signs that something is wrong.

The signs were there for a long time, but I ignored them. My self-esteem was gone and wouldn't come back, and I kept on believing that nobody would love me if I didn't change myself for their convenience. I took care of some of the things causing it, but I never took care of everything and didn't get better. If anything, all those years ago, I had let go of the wrong thing when I shouldn't have, and I should have demanded more respect. But that is all in the past and unchangeable.

I let go of issues / problems and move on if other people let me move on. This has happened with an issue my mother and I were arguing about. She finally let go of it and hasn't said a word about it since then. I don't mope about it; in fact, I don't even think about it anymore. She doesn't want to ressurrect the issue so it stays in the grave. I realize now that the combination of friends I had merely kept on ressurrecting dead issues, intentionally or not, no matter what I did. It had gotten into a pattern of being bandaged for the hurt and then gouged, bandaged, then gouged, bandaged, then gouged, and so on. They simply wouldn't let me move on. I had let them become my apes when I shouldn't have. And it took me many years to figure this one out...

I realized early on that my guide was trying to lead me to better health. But he was also guiding me to and through a difficult decision that was simple yet complicated and which I didn't foresee at the time. In the ape dream, it moved to a different scene, where I was bringing along a gray and white, non-anthro cat. The message was basically leave the cat behind or both of us will only be hurt in the end. Leave my friends behind if I want to go forward and heal myself. A difficult decision for me. And one that ended up hurting me as I distanced myself from others. But the hurt seemed to have bled out the feelings of hatred, envy, betrayal, resentment, anger, depression, and most of the pain that I was going through. Mostly what's left is sadness about it but a greater sense of peace that I haven't had in a long time.

It seems like what I needed was rather simple and something that I haven't heard someone tell me or expect from me in a long time. Kaylin told me my beliefs were my beliefs and that I didn't have to show her proof or validate them to her for them to be valid. And she acted on it. She didn't try to give me the big "answer" to everything, life, my problems, religion, and the world. That was the most she really said on that day. Other than not wanting me to overgeneralize from being hurt and commenting on my own comment on the situation, that I was perhaps just bitter. She said maybe and that bitterness is only temporary.

It feels like I have freed some part of myself, but it still doesn't mean that I'm not afraid or uncertain. I still have no idea what will happen yet or where things will go or lead me. But perhaps this fear and uncertainity is a better alternative for me. I still have a lot more work to do for bettering myself as a person and get me where I need to be.

A lot of things have happened. Too much to really name or want to name. And I've realized that my guide's goals are basically the most important thing in my life, a lot more important than other things that I value. I know that it's not a quick, convenient journey to go on; he never promised that kind of thing to me. Quite the opposite. There'd be much wandering and some difficulties. But I really believe in what he has promised me - that I'll be where I need to be, and the vision of that place is a lot better than what I have now. I know this will take time, probably a few years to completely resolve everything properly, but I'm willing to take the time to properly resolve my problems and get my life together.

I think I'm starting to look towards the future and actually act like I will have a future and that I won't die prematurely through one means or another. If I could remove any part of my life, I'd probably remove the past five or six years, except for a few minor things, and redo it all over again in a different way. About six years ago, I was doing a lot better and showed promises of being able to live a lot better and resolve things. I had some kind of sense of peace, liked who I was, and was not very corruptable. Inbetween those years, I've lost that sense of peace, came to hate myself, and have become very corruptable. I had become too weak. The last six years isn't the way that I would live if I had to live that way for eternity. I've been set the task of rebuilding myself and finding a lifestyle that will keep me surviving for a good long lifespan and be something that I'd actually want to do for eternity if I have to live that way for eternity. It's a big task and will probably take years to finish building it. But I'm happy that my guide has been pushing me to do this kind of thing. After starting this journey about six months ago, I'm starting to see some noticeable improvements in myself in the last month, but there's still so much to do. There's still that hole in my being that wasn't there six years ago that I need to do something about so I won't be so empty. I look forward to working on all of this. I'm already starting to do better than how I have been doing for the past year or so, and some people are actually starting to notice it.

I had two garage sales this weekend. I spent some time with Kaylin there and setting it up. Just sitting outside with her and her sister was the most amount of peace that I've gotten in a long while.

I just realized tonight that Kaylin has basically been a guide on the physical plane to me ever since the trouble started. Every time I saw her, even though it wasn't often, she was trying to build up something stronger in me than "Here is the answer; go do it or believe in it." My spiritual guide may have started the process and still shows me some things in my dreams, but Kaylin has also been helping it along and basically trying to do the same thing in a different way. Just spending the past few days with her talking about things have made me realize how much she ends up echoing my guide very closely in some respects.

If you're around the wrong people for long enough, you begin to absorb their bad habits. Even with good people, you can absorb their bad habits if you aren't careful enough. Most people simply try to correct you or get defensive. I've had enough people try that one on me for years and years. That is a bad, bad thing when you lose too much of your strength. All I've been doing in the past few years is basically playing the roles that other people expect me to play and actually believing that I am that role until someone hands me a new role and I become that one. It eventually ended up in someone making me believe that I was the anti-Christ last spring, and I had a major breakdown. I said a bunch of things I shouldn't have said and ended up finding that I didn't mean it since that was my role I was being pressured into and not much else.

When Kaylin got enough of my depression, she basically said, if that's your answer then that's your answer. She made little attempt at correcting or defensiveness. She didn't show me any more bad habits that others were showing me. She just kinda seemed to know that this, too, will pass eventually since they were traits I usually don't have (and most of them I never really had before). She just didn't want me to think bad of everyone since I was really extremely bitter about the anti-Christ bit and perhaps some other things that I'm starting to work out with her help and my guide's help. She left me to find the important things for myself and wasn't just trying to give me the answer to everything. Some things are simply worthless if they are given to you; some things are just simply more valuable to find on your own and go through the process since the destination is not as important as the actual journey. I think I've started building back up a stronger personality with someone who is making me find the answers myself instead of trying to give it to me. Though taking apart bit by bit the community I was keeping may also be helping my mood a bit. I am starting to be less and less bitter at any rate. I know I still have a long road to go and I'm finding that not everything is easy, but I'm willing to travel it because of my guide's promise.

I'm starting to realize that I really owe Kaylin a lot, more than I can give in return.

If anyone's confused about what I'm doing (aka didn't read my artist's comments on the last chapter I uploaded for Dawn):

1. I'm no longer going to be posting art and stories to this account. I haven't moved accounts or set up another account on a seperate website or anything like that. I still stand by this decision, and I don't miss posting stuff here. I don't even like most of the community. I only like some of the people on here and my friends.

2. I'm going to be posting my future Dawn chapters at ~Dawn-rpclub. That's the only artistic / writing thing I'll be uploading to da.

3. I'll be on here off and on, depending on if I expect a reply to a comment or note. Probably figure I'll be on to at least check messages every week or two.

4. Probably only going to update this blog rarely.

5. Don't get me a sub or anything like that on here. I probably won't have much use for it. I'd prefer to get other things.

6. I took giftart stuff out of storage and set it to members only. I think I got most of it, but I may have missed a piece or two. You can still access my gallery if you know how to. It's just merely hidden from sight on my front page, not completely and absolutely inaccessible.

Decided to do this since it looked like fun. And 'cause life kinda sucks and I need something to cheer me up a bit. I don't want to know how life could get any worse, truthfully.


From ~Karasu92

Reply to this post by yelling "Words!" and I will give you five words that remind me of you. Then post them in your journal and explain what they mean to you.


1) FFU - I like the show and been doing a costume of a character on there. And we had an FFU-based rp that went nowhere. lol
2) birds - I've been photographing one too many cranes, have I?
3) photos - I send you one too many photos of local animals and stuff like that obviously. I live in what used to be a swamp / marsh at one time before humans took over. Yeah. Photographing things is starting to become more of a hobby. Could possibly be the result of a photographer I know in rl.
4) Vincent Valentine (there are several characters but well... your icon) - VinxCid. And he's good by himself as he is in the games.
5)Dawn - Our project.


And who has ever heard of the color "cornflower?" But that's beside the point.


Edit:

I asked Karasu what other characters so I'll add them to my list.

6. Kaze - Favorite FFU character. Also the object of my costume project.
7. Cloud - He's the main character in FF7. He wasn't my favorite, but he's still a decent character. Then he steals Vincent's clothes in KH.
8. some of Seph - I was in love with him for a long time. He's an awesome villian.