A lot of things have happened. Too much to really name or want to name. And I've realized that my guide's goals are basically the most important thing in my life, a lot more important than other things that I value. I know that it's not a quick, convenient journey to go on; he never promised that kind of thing to me. Quite the opposite. There'd be much wandering and some difficulties. But I really believe in what he has promised me - that I'll be where I need to be, and the vision of that place is a lot better than what I have now. I know this will take time, probably a few years to completely resolve everything properly, but I'm willing to take the time to properly resolve my problems and get my life together.

I think I'm starting to look towards the future and actually act like I will have a future and that I won't die prematurely through one means or another. If I could remove any part of my life, I'd probably remove the past five or six years, except for a few minor things, and redo it all over again in a different way. About six years ago, I was doing a lot better and showed promises of being able to live a lot better and resolve things. I had some kind of sense of peace, liked who I was, and was not very corruptable. Inbetween those years, I've lost that sense of peace, came to hate myself, and have become very corruptable. I had become too weak. The last six years isn't the way that I would live if I had to live that way for eternity. I've been set the task of rebuilding myself and finding a lifestyle that will keep me surviving for a good long lifespan and be something that I'd actually want to do for eternity if I have to live that way for eternity. It's a big task and will probably take years to finish building it. But I'm happy that my guide has been pushing me to do this kind of thing. After starting this journey about six months ago, I'm starting to see some noticeable improvements in myself in the last month, but there's still so much to do. There's still that hole in my being that wasn't there six years ago that I need to do something about so I won't be so empty. I look forward to working on all of this. I'm already starting to do better than how I have been doing for the past year or so, and some people are actually starting to notice it.

I had two garage sales this weekend. I spent some time with Kaylin there and setting it up. Just sitting outside with her and her sister was the most amount of peace that I've gotten in a long while.

I just realized tonight that Kaylin has basically been a guide on the physical plane to me ever since the trouble started. Every time I saw her, even though it wasn't often, she was trying to build up something stronger in me than "Here is the answer; go do it or believe in it." My spiritual guide may have started the process and still shows me some things in my dreams, but Kaylin has also been helping it along and basically trying to do the same thing in a different way. Just spending the past few days with her talking about things have made me realize how much she ends up echoing my guide very closely in some respects.

If you're around the wrong people for long enough, you begin to absorb their bad habits. Even with good people, you can absorb their bad habits if you aren't careful enough. Most people simply try to correct you or get defensive. I've had enough people try that one on me for years and years. That is a bad, bad thing when you lose too much of your strength. All I've been doing in the past few years is basically playing the roles that other people expect me to play and actually believing that I am that role until someone hands me a new role and I become that one. It eventually ended up in someone making me believe that I was the anti-Christ last spring, and I had a major breakdown. I said a bunch of things I shouldn't have said and ended up finding that I didn't mean it since that was my role I was being pressured into and not much else.

When Kaylin got enough of my depression, she basically said, if that's your answer then that's your answer. She made little attempt at correcting or defensiveness. She didn't show me any more bad habits that others were showing me. She just kinda seemed to know that this, too, will pass eventually since they were traits I usually don't have (and most of them I never really had before). She just didn't want me to think bad of everyone since I was really extremely bitter about the anti-Christ bit and perhaps some other things that I'm starting to work out with her help and my guide's help. She left me to find the important things for myself and wasn't just trying to give me the answer to everything. Some things are simply worthless if they are given to you; some things are just simply more valuable to find on your own and go through the process since the destination is not as important as the actual journey. I think I've started building back up a stronger personality with someone who is making me find the answers myself instead of trying to give it to me. Though taking apart bit by bit the community I was keeping may also be helping my mood a bit. I am starting to be less and less bitter at any rate. I know I still have a long road to go and I'm finding that not everything is easy, but I'm willing to travel it because of my guide's promise.

I'm starting to realize that I really owe Kaylin a lot, more than I can give in return.

If anyone's confused about what I'm doing (aka didn't read my artist's comments on the last chapter I uploaded for Dawn):

1. I'm no longer going to be posting art and stories to this account. I haven't moved accounts or set up another account on a seperate website or anything like that. I still stand by this decision, and I don't miss posting stuff here. I don't even like most of the community. I only like some of the people on here and my friends.

2. I'm going to be posting my future Dawn chapters at ~Dawn-rpclub. That's the only artistic / writing thing I'll be uploading to da.

3. I'll be on here off and on, depending on if I expect a reply to a comment or note. Probably figure I'll be on to at least check messages every week or two.

4. Probably only going to update this blog rarely.

5. Don't get me a sub or anything like that on here. I probably won't have much use for it. I'd prefer to get other things.

6. I took giftart stuff out of storage and set it to members only. I think I got most of it, but I may have missed a piece or two. You can still access my gallery if you know how to. It's just merely hidden from sight on my front page, not completely and absolutely inaccessible.

Decided to do this since it looked like fun. And 'cause life kinda sucks and I need something to cheer me up a bit. I don't want to know how life could get any worse, truthfully.


From ~Karasu92

Reply to this post by yelling "Words!" and I will give you five words that remind me of you. Then post them in your journal and explain what they mean to you.


1) FFU - I like the show and been doing a costume of a character on there. And we had an FFU-based rp that went nowhere. lol
2) birds - I've been photographing one too many cranes, have I?
3) photos - I send you one too many photos of local animals and stuff like that obviously. I live in what used to be a swamp / marsh at one time before humans took over. Yeah. Photographing things is starting to become more of a hobby. Could possibly be the result of a photographer I know in rl.
4) Vincent Valentine (there are several characters but well... your icon) - VinxCid. And he's good by himself as he is in the games.
5)Dawn - Our project.


And who has ever heard of the color "cornflower?" But that's beside the point.


Edit:

I asked Karasu what other characters so I'll add them to my list.

6. Kaze - Favorite FFU character. Also the object of my costume project.
7. Cloud - He's the main character in FF7. He wasn't my favorite, but he's still a decent character. Then he steals Vincent's clothes in KH.
8. some of Seph - I was in love with him for a long time. He's an awesome villian.

Thought I'd post this here on the chance that I may get more of a response here than elsewhere. Though it's probably one of the hardest questions about the universe.

So....

What is greater than a god (or a pantheon of gods)?

I did a free write (lj private entry, although some parts of it is floating around on my friends entries from my dream) after I was done reading Till We Have Faces (CS Lewis). When I was done, that was the basic question I found leftover. What is greater than a god? What will not play the same games as at least most European and Middle Eastern based gods do, the games with who is damned and who isn't, mortals as objects to be raped and mislead, and other such things? (It's still somewhat popular to enforce the damnation thing here. At the student union some weeks ago, two people, who looked like students, were holding up signs next to each other. One was about following Jesus and not the church. The other was how you're going to Hell if you aren't a believer.)